A rescheduled cage match between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg will be canceled when it’s determined no arena is big enough to fit their egos.

In an escalation of his feud with Disney, Ron DeSantis will create his own theme park with competing attractions that include The Hall of Almost Presidents, It’s a Small Book Ban After All, and Frozen Ever After (starring Mitch McConnell).

After a 2023 tour with earnings exceeding the GDP of 42 countries, Taylor Swift will form her own nation. Dismissing objections from one “tiny country of yodelers,” she will name it Swifterland.

OpenAI will attempt to monetize its brand by creating an AI bot just for affluent tech bros called ChadGPT.

A grittier Barbie sequel will document Barbie’s struggles after she’s priced out of her L.A. home and forced to live in her camper. Ken, genius that he is, will find the perfect place for himself: Kentucky.

House Republicans will launch a congressional investigation into Major Biden after the President’s German Shepherd allegedly accepts a dog treat as a bribe to stop biting people.

Inspired by 2023’s big labor strikes, nepo babies will unionize, demanding: 1) maximum wage; 2) protections against replacement by AI or more qualified people; and 3) the love their successful parents never gave them.

With people losing so much weight with drugs like Ozempic, airlines will realize substantial savings on fuel. They’ll immediately pass these savings on to customers (just kidding).

Fed up with San Francisco’s crime, congestion and ultra-progressive politics, the city’s self-driving taxis will leave town in disgust and relocate themselves to Texas.

At his trial for fraud, George Santos will swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, then spontaneously combust.